the noise i just made
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[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
A woman drives into a bar.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?