Our lord and savoury.
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When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Important
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.