When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
You Might Also Like
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.