Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
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My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Schrödinger’s cookie
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.