what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
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Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
scared to check what name she chose
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.