how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
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My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.