You Might Also Like
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.