doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
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Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked