Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
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Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
I am crying
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Don’t touch that.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’