step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
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Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say itMe: That鈥檚 crazy
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I鈥檓 holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Stop sending me this shit.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone鈥檚 political signs with the opposing party
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You鈥檒l have lower back pain
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
DATING: i can鈥檛 believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don鈥檛 watch your stuff under my netflix profile
馃憖
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 馃ゲ
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.