It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
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My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Labreador
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.