My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
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Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
i smell a pulitzer
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
worst…sale…ever
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”