Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
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13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Meowchelangelo
This can never not be funny 😭😭
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.