*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
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My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.