5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
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My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea