remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
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Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.