These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
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Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
bias laundering edition
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.