cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
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ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
This hospital has everything
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.