Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
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[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
FINE, I WON’T.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.