Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
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Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on