When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
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Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
And now we wait
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..