I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
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Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life