Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
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me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
BaD BoY!!
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
My first son he is wonderful
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.