What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
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me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!