I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
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[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Warm pools make me nervous.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
*jazz hands*
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Monday Lisa