me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
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[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi