[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
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The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested