“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
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If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”