Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
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Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
went fishing caught a bass
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest