If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
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This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Wait for it
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I’ve had worse
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page