Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
“No way.” -Jose
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?