Always leave them wanting their money back.
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when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
i now pronounce you bounced.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes