Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
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gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
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.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
so this horse walks into a bar
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.