70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
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If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
the clam before the storm
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
*mops up wine with cat*
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
This came to me in a dream.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.