They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
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“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.