Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
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BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
(Gaming support cat.)
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Don’t touch that.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*