My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
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God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Sending in my taxes
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.