Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
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My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…