Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
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me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
adding to the discourse
God, I love Scotland
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*