superterriblemorningexpialidocious
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It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
My birthstone is kidney
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions