“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
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Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
This is amazing.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”