Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
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Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I’m a self-made hundredaire
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.