I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
You Might Also Like
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Midwest trash talk
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive