Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
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My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*