Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
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My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Genius idea!!
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour