My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
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Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
In Canada they just call them geese
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.