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I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
My dating profile:
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
I am yelling