[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
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Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.