The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
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[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.