SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
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We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
I got bills
They’re multiplying
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.